Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Feel the loss

Much of my journaling during these days is poured into my own lap and is not posted here. Something of importance I want to reflect is this...

I am being called to feel the loss. Just feel it. Not falling apart emotionally, for that is resistance and prevents fully feeling it. Not dismissing it...not by ignoring it or pretending it’s ok, that hey, it had to be and it is for the best (I don't happen to feel it is even though my spiritual depth is increased through experiencing the loss), not by dismissing it as one of life’s necessities, not by dismissing it as something that happened that I simply must let go of...for dismissing it still avoids feeling the loss. Don’t try pulling him back. Feel his absence. Feel him missing from my life. Feel my loss of him.

I feel drawn toward feeling the loss of him without putting words on it. Putting words on it seems to get me into trouble, puts me into a position of evaluating blame (mine or another's), puts me into a position of resistance and wanting things to be different from what is in this moment. Feel my loss without the application of words...

I remember several years ago I was in a retreat on expanding consciousness, and the two training masters asked me to "feel," explained I need to "feel" something to release it and they expressed their view of my inability to do so. I disagreed, explained my struggle with emotions as proof of my "feeling." I couldn't get that lesson then. During the past months I have been opening to the realization I am not always in touch with how I feel about things and have been incorporating practices to accomplish this. Now more than ever before, my spirit is calling me to "feel" his absence and my loss, feel it deep within me.

It is from not feeling the missing of him that causes the loss of him. Once fully experienced and stepped into, I no longer need the loss. I will no longer create the repeated scenario…

2 comments:

Angel-a said...

how to feel the loss
if it is a void?
how to feel the loss
if it is an emptiness?
how to feel the loss
if it is a crater in my heart?

how to embrace the void and the emptiness? how not to sink into the crater in my heart?

becoming a cosmos...

Angel-a said...

how to feel the loss
if it is a void?
how to feel the loss
if it is an emptiness?
how to feel the loss
if it is a crater in my heart?

how to embrace the void and the emptiness? how not to sink into the crater in my heart?

becoming a cosmos...