Friday, February 18, 2005

Masculine appearing...

What a very busy day, but a charming one.

Still in a serious meditative frame of mind, still grieving the loss of a friendship, I chose to dress up today more than usual for the office. I wore a black sleeveless dress with a gray angora sweater and black Victorian choker, set off with black stockings and high heels. And I curled my hair. I could not have anticipated the responses I received throughout the day. Even when I stepped into the office cafĂ©, the young Asian man working there lit up and exclaimed, “You look awesome today!” It was quite surprising all day. Somehow I knew I looked good when I left the house this morning but it felt very pleasing to have this reflected back to me.

I had a one-hour telephone conference with my New York executive team discussing feedback from my first deliverable on this my very first professional writing project. I have worried whether I am up to the task. After preparing and submitting my draft last Friday morning, I realized I had enjoyed the writing so much and was so pleased with the work that even if the team was unhappy with the product, even if the contract would be canceled, I felt a strong sense of accomplishment. I could not have anticipated such a sense of completion from work I worried I was not trained for. So here I was today, getting my first response from the team. And the response was incredible. Not only was my writing accepted without edit, but my speech with the team was so strong someone was skimming a keyboard trying to capture my words. The director expressed regret not to have recorded my conversation because my ideas were rich and my focus sharp.

I give thanks for the gift of being inspired in front of an audience. Now I am also inspired in my writing and in my discussions of it with the team. As scattered as I often appear in my personal conversations, I "kind of" wish friends could see me in this professional capacity. But then I realize the difference is I was conscious, poignantly so, in my work today. The difference is in being conscious.

It felt good.

~ ~ ~

I still miss him...

~ ~ ~

Oh, some messages are too clear to miss… Tonight I have just such a message.

A couple of weeks ago I placed on my bedroom wall the photograph of a beautiful nude woman, a back view of her sitting on a chair. Tender and sensitive, the photograph is not a sexual image. I hung a second photograph but found the two nudes, especially two variations of backsides, to be overstated, and the message conveyed seemed very different with two rather than one simple one on the wall. So I displayed only one and laid the other in a lingerie drawer.

Tonight, however, I suddenly realized I want a nude man to accompany my naked woman. Perhaps it seems strange I did not think of it before, but I did not. It simply never occurred to me. I began to search for just the right photograph to complement my girl draped over her chair (the search was not easy). I came up with nine choices and began to study each for compatibility with my girl. Several were ok but not perfect and some were eliminated quickly. Finally I came to number eight, and I knew immediately it was “the one.” Simple, subtle, tasteful, it was a photograph of a man half submerged in water, with his head and neck, chest, right arm and right leg out of the water.

The print was barely in the frame when I recognized the unmistakable significance—the message in this photograph on my wall is that of my masculine emerging from the Unconscious.

~ ~ ~

Today I spent quite some time meditating on the moment, holding myself in just the current moment, during much of my office day. Mindfulness sounds so simple but requires deliberate effort for me. I worked it more today than probably any one single day. I will continue this work.

Today I also noted my continued increased compassion and gentleness with others, even while driving in my car.

I pray to hold this mediation and deepen and strengthen my tenderness with others...

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