Thursday, February 10, 2005

Wanting to die

Sometimes I feel a part of me has died. Sometimes I feel I want the rest of me to die, that I want to die. I feel such a full loss at moments it consumes my life.

The observer part of me is curious how there can be this immense seemingly unending universe and yet with the loss of one heart friend I can feel a wish to die. How can that be? Did he become such a part of me that without him part of me is gone? Am I meaningless without him? Am I helpless without the support of his presence, his appreciation? I can't put my finger on it.

What I do know is my life is rich and full, creative and compelling, meaningful and deepening, and yet to have someone dear to me to see such a side of me as to wish to end our friendship, gives me moments of wanting to die.

Struggling with my deep sorrow in hurting him, painfully seeing in the mirror my actions and beliefs that reflect selfish habits, feeling the loss of his beautiful presence in my life, has stimulated spiritual depth.

But still, some moments I want to die.

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