Wednesday, June 29, 2005

knowing

i am
without knowing
until i know
that i don't know

then knowing
that i don't know
puts me in a place
where now i know

until knowing
that i know
puts me back
into not knowing
because knowing that i know
means really i don't know

so my purpose is to know
without knowing that i know
or to not know and hold onto
that it is that i don't know

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

noise

i have been noisy...

my life has been noise and movement and stimulation.

as i have come to experience moments of stillness, i am aware of how constantly stimulated i have been.

with movement . with taste. with sugar or chocolates or caffeines. with music. with talking. with something new and different. with exuberance. with confusion. with longing. with obligation. with hope. and with constant taking in (even many times without regard to what i was taking).

i am not suggesting it has all been bad. much of it has been noble and generous and loving. it has been about nurturing or giving or helping or working hard or achieving or accomplishing. much of it has brought me forward.

but as i have had longer and longer moments without stimulation or have had moments with complete quiet, and then returned to noise, the difference has become far more clear to me.

i am now called to greater stillness.

it isn't easy.

in spite of the rewards of deeper life, it isn't easy. as stressful as noise and frenetic activity might be, silence can be more difficult. initially for me silence felt huge and i suddenly seemed lost in an abyss. i felt incredibly small. but i began to see that in my noisy world i am perhaps not present at all, so feeling small in the silence makes me far more aware of myself than i am in the noise.

silence and stillness can be huge and overwhelming. but there is also a place in the quiet where i find mySelf, an existence that isn't found anywhere else.

i am being called to greater stillness.

and fewer things.

and more quiet.

i wonder why it seems so scary. and so hard.

when it feels so good...