Tuesday, August 23, 2005

keep walking

i don't mean to have dropped the topic of depression. in truth, all of my efforts are in light of working with this. i realize for much of my life i have wanted it kept in the shadows, believed it to be only in my past, despised its presence in my life, pretended to others it was not mine. and yet, for all the much happiness and enthusiasm i hold in one hand, in the other hand is my relationship with depression. usually silent but often peeking from just around the corner, depression is part of my life experience.

this morning i walked but this time i could not bear the thought of music so i walked without my newly recovered cd player. but i walked. every step i took i wanted to turn and run home. but with each step i took another step. i started with the sound of crickets but returned with early commuters passing me on my way. sometimes i had to remind myself to breathe out, as i found it easy to breathe in but would forget to breathe out. deeply i breathed out. and i walked on. i walked among pink flower petals strewn across my path. i still wanted to turn around on each step but i kept walking. i found huge sunflowers, far taller than i, towering over me. how bold they are, challenging our perception of flowers being small and quiet and sweet. their stems look much more like stalks in a large cornfield. and i thought how the sunflower is truly a feminist flower. i walked several miles. now at home and freshly showered, i feel my spirit moving through me, sustaining me.

sometimes our work is simply to keep moving forward. and keep walking.

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