Thursday, September 01, 2005

conscious choices

we talk about business and family and hopes and dreams and love and life. we talk about how hard it is. we talk about how wonderful it is. he offers his opinion (which i want). he gives his support (which i love). he has proven i cannot say anything stupid enough or do anything terrible enough to lessen his esteem of me, that his appreciation of me and affection for me are secure. he is usually the first to cheer my accomplishments and the first to check on me if he thinks i am in difficulty. he has become a definition of friendship. he is astonishingly strong. he is incredibly smart. he is extraordinarily perceptive. he is gentle and kind. i do not see him often but every time is as though there has been no interruption. he is a treasured friend of several years.

he wants to be with me. he knows the heart of me more than most, and he knows i would love to be held. he would like to be one to do so, if only for a while. he wants to hold me and he wants to touch me and he wants to make love to me.

i would love to lie in the arms of another, to be touched and explored and enjoyed. i love to give pleasure and become another’s satisfaction and fulfillment. i adore sexual connection and the depth of sharing it brings. i love passion. but he is committed to another. and i realize how invalidating being with him would be for me.

there is a part of me that is flattered, a part of me that is stirred, even a part that is tempted. but no moments of lonesomeness or sexual frustration provide for allowing what this would do to me. far more than pleasure for me would be the devastation of being with someone who is not my own, someone who would lie with me only to get up and leave me to go home to the one who belongs to him, and my solitude would then become my loneliness. his life is with another and his commitment is there.

sexual experience is precious to me, and is to be treasured and cherished, not to be rushed or grabbed or stolen in brief moments and bits of time. and not to be had to the diminishing of another. any sexual sharing with me weakens his own relationship even if she were never to know of it. this is not compatible with my spirit no matter how much i love to be or want to be or even need to be touched. and it would not serve me.

this is not about being right and wrong or even good and bad. it is about what serves him best and what serves me best. and it is about making choices that protect my heart and my emotions. my choice is for sexual experience to be in the shelter of an exclusive relationship. even if it means going to bed at night alone.

photography by graham jeffery

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