Thursday, January 19, 2006

holding

every morning i spend 30 minutes driving on 16th street, and rather than listening to the radio or carying on conversations, i use this time for what i now call "16th street meditations." sometimes i meditate; sometimes i ponder something given to me. because i committed my time to this, the Universe now speaks to me during this time. yesterday during 16th street meditations i pondered the ability to touch what is deepest inside me.

there is a place inside me that leads me, guides me, a place without thinking and analysis. i call this my Guidance. much of my life has been busy and noisy, frenetic even, and my Guidance was largely unheard and unrecognized. i discovered the clarity of this Guidance when i had an accident that knocked me unconscious for a few moments and left me injured. during the next 20 hours i felt guided in every step i took. i simply kept knowing the next thing to do and felt with assurance i was doing the right thing. in the middle of what could be considered a crisis, i was deeply calm and relaxed. i was unconcerned about consequences, knowing my consequences followed having done the right thing, therefore knowing everything was all right. having spent most of my life questioning, analyzing, and evaluating everything i did before, during, and after the doing, i found this Guided process to be incredibly restful. once i recovered and returned to daily routines, i determined to find this Guidance for more than just crises.

but how do you find something on the inside? feeling and knowing this Guidance was not as easy for me as its nature offers. this Presence is soft and quiet and calls for my most attentive listening. as i quiet the world around me (which includes eliminating or diminishing stimulants and stimulations), i feel more deeply connected to this Guidance, this Presence, this part of me that seems to be the deepest part of Me.

somewhere in my writings during the past several days i referred to this connection as sometimes being as difficult as "holding a thread in a thunderstorm." during yesterday's 16th street meditations i pondered the meaning of my using the word "holding." this connection is indeed very much like "holding," holding an invisible thread, holding my spiritual awareness, holding my connection to Spirit while in a physical world. i decided to look at other expressions of the word "holding" to understand more.

my first thought of the use of the word "holding" was in "holding your breath." but this isn't right. "holding your breath" is not actually holding; it is more accurately "withholding" one's breath. holding this invisible thread connecting me to my Guidance is more reflective of what it is like to hold a thought, to hold an emotion, to hold a fragrance. you can, and yet you can't. you can only maintain being open to its presence. my work is in remaining attentive to it. it feels to me kind of like having a part of me constantly touching an invisible part. when i get too busy or too noisy i lose the connection, and if i go too long being too busy or too noisy i am more deeply disconnected. i now work at holding a part of me in continuous meditation even when i am busy about my life. and i find a greater participation with Guidance and with my life bringing me exactly what i need at exactly the time i need it.

i will undoubtedly return to this writing to make it more clear or more comprehensive. this is my beginning attempt to put new practices into words and i feel nearly helpless to bring it to the surface. i am trying to learn how.

2 comments:

Neal said...

diana,

you're doing a wonderful job of putting your "practices into words". your simple words bring everything into focus, like when the daggers flying by (or the cars on 16th street) are suddenly moving very slowly. thanks.

diana christine said...

neal~ thank you for your lovely comments and for letting me know you have visited.

many blessings to you...