intention

i try to look beneath everything i do and identify my intention. in obvious things as well as subtle ones i answer what is my intention behind my behavior. like choosing what to write here and how to craft my words, is my intention to impress you? to share with you something that moves me? to teach you? to learn something for myself? to put into form what i am learning that i may be more sure of it still? to practice writing? an attempt to be heard or understood? some combination of several of these things? or am i doing what i do because i am directed by a Higher Source?

when i am about to say something to someone (or sometimes after it's already been said) i look for my intention and i am completely honest with myself (what good would it be were i not to be?). when i look for intention i am as honest as i can possibly be about what underlies the action and i try to make no judgment on my observation. sometimes i accept my intention and continue the chosen act (like occasionally when i realize my intention to impress someone, though i then have to ponder my need to impress) and other times recognition of the intention causes me to end my choice to act (for example when i recognize my intention is some form of defense).

sometimes when i identify an intention i go deeper and find another still.

i am beginning to know myself. and i am beginning to live ever-increasing depths of integrity.

this is hard work and sometimes even now i still forget.

underwater

i spent most of my life believing walking on water is the miracle only to discover my miracle is in being under it (inside it).

i spent quite some time this morning practicing swimming (particularly my kickoff and my glide) and working on increasing my ability to stay underwater. i love it more than i ever could have imagined.

my very first time several weeks ago and every time since, i am in awe of my being in the water. what an incredible joy, what an amazing surprise to be swimming after all these years of wishing it were so. somehow there was a part of me that believed i could not learn, a part of me that accepted not knowing how.

being here now, this is a miracle. being under the water, moving in the water, is every bit the miracle to me as walking on its surface.

and i couldn't be more pleased.

photo by permission cindy lee jones

eating habits

it seems nothing gives me more relevant, more clear messages than my exploration of eating habits. these, my eating habits, have become some of my most powerful metaphors.

i have looked at desire, addiction, and craving from every possible angle that i may understand it in my own life. craving, separate from the body's natural hunger for nourishment, is a want for something more. wanting to have something more is the same as wanting to be something more. craving is an expression of a belief in insufficiency and want. craving anything is a reflection of wanting to be more, feeling insufficient. my desire for food when it is separate from physical hunger tells me i feel i am not enough. it is not about food at all. my work then becomes not about resisting the desire to eat more than i need but rather my work is to discover how and why and where i believe i am not enough.

this is a very big work.

photo by permission cindy lee jones

dna

i understand my dna can be found in any part of my body, a strand of hair or a fingernail or any single cell, and this dna contains the formula for the whole of me. with the dna from any part, the whole can be reproduced. this means one cell is in fact the same as being the whole. this, from our bodies, reflects a mirrored image of the universe. one part of the universe contains the formula for the whole. i, then, contain the formula for the whole and in effect i am the same as the entire universe. this is an incredible understanding, an awesome truth.

suppose, then, every situation in my life, each story and each myth, contains the story of the whole. suppose each message contains all if i look deeply enough. i don't need to know everything but i need to know as much as i possibly can of what i am touching. if i am faithful to what is in front of me, i am faithful to the whole. (for example, if i am faithful to one discipline or one faith, i am expressing faithfulness to all, for each is a complete representation of the whole. i need not be a follower of every faith but a faithful follower of one.)

my work is to discover what is in the message the Universe is giving me right now. each message represents everything.

what is love...

a fellow blogger, chai anyone?, posed the question "what is love?" and her challenge intrigued me, set me to exploring within myself what it is that happens inside that i then call "loving" another. what do i feel when i believe i feel love? what do i think it means when i say "i love you"? this has opened my explorations on love (i welcome your own thoughts in your comments).

i couldn't rush my answer but rather spent a couple of days pondering your question. i found i needed to explore deeply and ever more deeply what love really means inside me. i feel this...

infatuation, desire, addiction, need...sometimes are wrapped in the garments of "love" and sometimes even "love" gets covered by them.

in seeking my answer to you i explored and discovered i could not define love as "wanting to be with someone (though often i want to be with someone i love)," "identifying with someone (i felt identifying with someone is a big part of love)," "admiring, respecting, truly deeply liking who and what someone is and how he lives his life"...because i could recognize in my life loving someone without that corresponding belief or emotion. i explored more deeply.

i knew i had different kinds of love (love for a friend, for a teacher, for a relative, for a child, for a lover) and i knew my definition had to fit every expression of love. i also knew of the people i love, there are some i am closer to and want to spend time with more than i do others so love seems to have varying degrees and levels. i looked at all the people i love and challenged myself to find the underlying truth in every one of the relationships.

i landed on this...

for me, love is acceptance. purely, truly accepting another. i can love someone (accepting her) and agree with everything about her, or i can love someone (accepting her) even if i disagree with her. every instance of love in my life seems to be connected with acceptance.

the greater the acceptance, the deeper and richer the love.

i do not claim to be right. these are merely my beginning thoughts on defining love. if my thoughts are errant, however, i will claim that love undeniably brings acceptance...

thank you, chai, for presenting me a probing question and for pushing me to discover deeper things about my own feelings...

photography by permission cindy lee jones

getting it

i know i'm getting
some big things

i am not getting it all

i don't know
all that i am getting

but i know
if i always give it
all that i have,
how much i have
comes closer to all

photography by permission cindy lee jones

don't wallow in regret

stop saying you are sorry
for the way you did the things you did

regret--no companion to truth

for the way things were
was the way things had to be
to experience
to discover
to deepen
to grow

you cannot see
every gift received
from the way it was
and regret
renounces their truth

so stop saying you are sorry
and use it to learn
a new way to be

photo by permission cindy lee jones

listening as hard as i can

i am listening as hard as i can. listening as hard as i can today will make my capacity for listening even better tomorrow.

i am listening as hard as i can. listening is hard work. perhaps in truth it is our only work, though we are often listening for and to the least beneficial things. i work to listen to the messages around me, messages to me from the Universe, messages from God. i work to listen to people in my life, in my world. listening is holy work.

i am listening as hard as i can. my increased efforts in listening are opening the understanding of my own habits in speaking. now that i work hard to listen to others, i discover the many various ways their messages are unclear, the ways they are diverted into tangents that never return to the thread of the conversation, the ways they get “caught up” in their stories and become no longer present. much of our talking is simply relaying something we have already lived, something that carries little significance to the present. i have been seeing my own self more clearly by listening intently to others. truly listening diminishes my need to speak. and listening is very hard work.

i am listening as hard as i can. i took some time to identify the many things that interfere with truly listening, those things such as preconceived ideas, filters, expectations, judgments, personal needs and desires…it was a fairly long list. truly listening calls for the least service to my own agenda, calls for my greatest openness, my willingness to alter previous ideas.

i am listening as hard as i can. deepening this practice means i lessen the number of things i listen to. listening means staying present, holding this moment and not another. listening means doing my homework, taking notes and following through on concepts and impressions i receive. listening means commitment.

i am listening as hard as i can. listening to people is different from listening to other sources of messages in my world, for listening to people is inter-reliant. i do not merely listen and learn but hold a responsibility to respond and to ensure the one giving to me feels “listened to.” sometimes it means guiding the other back to his or her intended message. listening to others means listening to what they are saying, how they are saying it, and what they are intending to say. it means being supportive and gracious.

i am listening as hard as i can. and it is making all the difference.

photography by permission cindy lee jones

opening

i have a beautiful bouquet of flowers, a beautiful abundant bouquet gifted from a loving friend. i received the flowers many days ago and as the week unfolded the flowers became ever more lovely and fragrant, opening to greater beauty and incredible strength. last night as i adored this banquet, this floral feast, i noticed that while most of the bouquet had opened and flourished, three of the lilies were still tightly held. the flowers surrounding were in the beginning stages of diminishing and i noted these three blooms never progressed past being buds. they, i decided, would never be full grown. i would enjoy their loveliness as beautiful white buds, though, and give thanks for what they were as they were.

this morning i awakened to three stunning newly opened pink-and-white lilies. gorgeous, breathtakingly beautiful, strong open lilies surrounded by others in various stages of beginning to wilt. i was so delighted with my brand-new lilies i gathered them up and carried them with me, a beautiful bouquet in their own right.

this became a lesson to me. new beginnings happen at any time. new life begins every day. and sometimes, some of the strongest, most beautiful things need more time in the bud than everything else.

this day i enjoy my lilies and enjoy the awareness of my own ever-opening, ever-awakening spirit.

photography by permission of the artist cindy lee jones

post script

more time has passed and two wonderful new lilies have opened. i have a banquet of lilies around me even though the roses and tulips are long gone. i even have one remaining bud that holds promise of even more opening. my world is fragrant and brilliant (for lilies are indeed glorious) with flowers that continue to open and bloom. no matter i thought the bouquet dying, new life continues to unfold...

awake, o my soul

as part of my various practices (all together which i call "my practice"), i like to read aloud. reading aloud deepens and strengthens that which i read. i read aloud the things i write on this site, i read aloud letters to and from friends when those letters are about wisdom and practice and truth, and i read aloud poetry and prayers.

this week i am reading the poetic prayers of swami premananda in prayers of self-realization.

the following poem is one i like to read aloud daily.

awake, o my soul, awake
thy wisdom unveils the mystery of life
thy power guides the course of the universe
thy peace fills it with joy
o thou almighty, awake
awake in my heart, awake

when my littleness hides thy magnificence in my life
come, come with thy piercing truth
i shall find my freedom in thee

when i, like a coward, fear to face the adversity of life
arouse within me thy ever-conquering power
i shall win life's victory

when sorrows, like dark clouds, oppress my heart
arise with the light of thy bursting joy
i shall radiate thy peace

awake, o my soul, awake
awake in my heart, awake

photography by permission cindy lee jones