recognizing aggression

i seek to recognize every element of aggression within me and allow it to melt away.

for a bit of time now i have engaged in the practice of feeling what a thing feels like on the inside, feeling its vibration. it is almost as though feeling the individual threads comprising a seamless masterpiece (the whole of what's inside). when i am attentive to what a thing feels like deep inside, i can feel if it is surrender or acceptance or resistance or aggression. aggression is, of course, a form of resistance, but it feels different in its intensity and purpose.

i began singling out the feeling of aggression when i practiced "driving meditations," the "16th street meditations" that i once enjoyed (i no longer drive down 16th street to an office). i began to identify the feeling of aggression when i used the gas pedal (much non-highway use of acceleration is in the area of aggression). i felt what that vibration feels like and from there began to check it within myself.

an action within me that is an aggression may not be an act of aggression within you, and the same act can be performed from or not from a place of aggression. for example, i can go to the gym and work out (which i do often) and go home and eat a healthy meal, and it is done from a place of loving myself and loving my body. on the other hand, i can go to the gym and work out and then go home and eat a plate of healthy "diet" food but doing both from a place of hating how i look and desperately trying to "change" myself into something (seemingly) more lovely (which is something i used to do). this is an act of aggression whereas the previous description was an act of love. i cannot arbitrarily list what is an aggression and what is not without looking beneath the act. (many times, though, aggression is clearly felt and recognized.)

speed is an aggression--trying to "hurry up" anything is an aggression. imposing myself into or onto something is an aggression. the desire to change anything from a place of hatred is an aggression--only change sought through loving a thing is not aggression (such as changing an unhealthy habit to a healthy one). i am particularly attentive to listening within to determine whether encouraging myself to another workout is a challenge that will strengthen me or if it is an aggression that could harm me (i use this example because i work out so many times a week that i must listen carefully). loudness is an aggression (remembering, of course, that silently ignoring someone can be a form of aggression). for some of us, much, if not most, of our actions come from a place of aggression (because of a sense of desperation). aggression is become an accepted part of american life.

during this new year i will continue to observe my own forms of aggression and deepen my understanding of how aggression plays out in our lives. i will come back from time to time to add to my writing on this matter. i happen to live in an aggressive city (politics is practiced in aggression) in an aggressive nation and as i am part of the whole, i want to be attentive to such a practice.

photography by permission

cindy lee jones

finding silence

in a way, i "stumbled" into my practice of silence (though "coincidence" is a myth). in a separate study i was observing my tendency toward an addiction to stimulation (one i share with the american culture), and i began the practice of reducing stimulation in my daily routines. i began to feel what i was feeling every time i reached for the radio dial during my workday, and each time i reached for the radio dial, i would stop myself and instead hear the silence. i discovered that "listening" to the silence is an activity that is different from simply being surrounded by silence. i took the practice home and began actively listening to silence as a meditation. and i entered a deep and profound world.

as i came into the practice of silence, life around me began to shift and soon led to the changes that brought me to this place of freedom from debt and obligation, which became the freedom to do just what i want to do. i need to express, however, that for me the practice of silence is not a "tool" for "getting" (that feels like consumption). the practice of silence for me is one of surrender, not one of strategy. pure and profound silence is inconsistent with desire and want. it is not a place of request. i do not want to mislead anyone into considering the practice of silence as a means to receive but i do want to acknowledge that the world around me seems to come into greater alignment as i continue the practice of silence. i will continue to explore other elements that are present such as surrender and trust (one could, of course, have a very different experience with silence if variables are different).

despite its rich gifts (or perhaps because of them), the practice of silence is a discipline that calls for my mindfulness to keep it present in my life.

may i be ever mindful to spend part of each day in silence.

sounds

it seems to me...

when we begin to increase the volume of that which is around us, our music and such, it is a signal that something on the inside seeks to be listened to. we reach for the dial to turn up the volume to hear something more. it is not something "out there" that wants to be heard, but rather something on the inside. in someone's more troubled times, you might notice him turning up the volume (sometimes, even, to drown out a voice of despair). our solace, however, is in spending time listening to the silence in such times, and listening to that which is within.

when we are more connected to the voice of the Universe, when we practice listening intently to our Spirit, we need less volume in that which is around us.

or so it seems to me.

i hope one day i have better words to describe what i am learning in the practice of silence.

silence

it used to be i found it difficult to experience a thing without telling of it, and i knew a thing more by how i spoke of it. in a way, it seems, i experienced myself from the outside in.

these days, though, i experience a thing and struggle to find words to express it. my experience is from the inside out.

my silence is become more profound. i know there be some who would suggest silence is the absence of sound but oh, silence is more a presence and less an absence. silence is what is; it is from whence all else comes. i spend some time every day in deep silence, usually with ear plugs. it is become my place of residence. if i am too long away from this, i become less of who i am. you have undoubtedly heard, or perhaps have used, the expression "i just wasn't myself"...in the silence, this is where one becomes found, and too long away leads to "not being myself" or at least not fully so.

silence is the place of creation, from whence all else comes. if you want a thing created, go to the silence.

i meditate. sometimes i lie on my back and listen to the sound of my own heartbeat. i live on the edge of tears. i give thanks.

and each day, i practice silence.

photography by permission

graham jeffery

practice

once upon a time it was that in the beginning of a year i set goals. resolutions, i called them, just like you perhaps.

this year i am not about making resolutions, at least not in an outcome-oriented kind of way. this year i am about practice.

instead of looking to see what i would like to achieve, during january i spent quite some time looking at what i would like to practice. instead of exploring what i want to do, i sought to know how i would like to be. what do i seek to practice.

after all is said and done, we are what we practice. we are not a thing achieved but instead we are the practice. what we practice is what we become.

what do i want to practice this year?

i seek to become ever more mindful, and as much as lieth within me, to be fully present in the moment that holds me. this is my rightful place. this is my place of wholeness.

i seek to enlarge the awareness of my own intentions (which is a part of mindfulness), especially in recognizing from where i am acting. in any moment am i coming from a place of ego or from a place of Spirit?

i seek to become less resistant. i seek to watch myself and observe every subtle form of resistance, for resistance is the heart of every struggle, the underpinning of every anguish. there is no suffering without resistance. and my work to be in ever less judgment, this is part of being less resistant, for judgment is a form of resistance.

i seek greater connection to my own Intuition, a practice of deep listening to and trusting (knowing) my Intuition.

i seek greater trust in the Universe, a deeper practice and greater understanding of such trust.

i seek silence as a daily practice, for herein i touch the deepest part of the Universe.

i will be deepening a number of spiritual practices during the coming weeks and will bring them to these pages, but these present my foundation, as all else extends from these.

this is my resolution.

may i be ever faithful to my own practice.

photography by permission

cindy lee jones

2007, a whole new year

as the calendar turned from 2006 to 2007, my life took upon changes for which i am deeply grateful.

this is my fiftieth new year and what better time is there than now to deepen my experience and become more faithful to my own path.

on the last day of 2006 i left my secure job to come home to pursue my writing and my speaking. i contracted that I will train an audience one week each month and i will then write and edit during the remaining three weeks. this is more wonderful a gift than i can find words to express. i have cried many tears with much joy in this gift from the Universe. to be free to do what my heart desires…there is no greater gift.

in continuation of changes to support my life’s work, during the month of january i became debt free for perhaps the first time in my life. my heart is filled to overflowing even now in my putting those words into print. while we often feel that circumstances and events happen “to” us, we all know that we create our world and our experience. i have suffered the experience of debt, of obligation. it seems to me we take on debt in a similar fashion to our taking on unnecessary weight of any kind (such as body weight or clutter weight or task weight). i had created for me a world of obligation and finally in this fiftieth year i am debt free at the same time i am become free of obligation to a boss or to a corporate clock. i am humbly thankful for so great a gift.

i want to share with you as my journey progresses this year and as i struggle to learn (for indeed learning and growing continue to be a struggle). i want to share many of my lessons along the way. my purpose in this post is to let you know the underpinning of my current experience, and my continued writing will be to discuss some of what is opening up to me.

someone discovered how it is that i am at home pursuing the work i love, and she queried if i am “independently wealthy.” i smiled, for i have no such wealth (in truth my courage is bigger than my bank book and my faith is bigger than both). but i have the wealth of enough money to get started (and with no debt) and i have work scheduled along the way to continue on this path. i am of necessity more frugal than i have been in a long time, but even this seems to be a holy practice. i am much more mindful of all that i spend and all that i consume. how important a practice this.

along with the writing and editing, i have made a commitment to physical fitness (it is also part of a writing project). i began the year with a cycling class and each week added a new discipline until now i am in my full program. every week i have several sessions each of cycling, yoga, weight lifting, and swimming. some of my messages from the Universe come through my fitness practice and from my teachers of such.

in the beginning of january i felt an incredible sense of freedom. i was surprised by how profound a freedom i felt in not being obligated to an office, to a timeclock, to an employer. i have settled into less exuberance in my freedom but continue my awareness of its profound gift.

while i am in a most beautiful place, it is not without struggle. on the first day of the new year i suffered food poisoning. i was terribly ill and in some of my moments i felt i would surely die. i spent several hours in extreme pain until the room began to spin and i fell to the floor. suddenly on this first day i thought about the fact that i had not yet paid for my new health insurance and in this moment i realized what it must feel like for someone unemployed or someone outside that net of safety. it was a horrible feeling knowing that whatever was wrong with me could cost me more than i could repay in the rest of my lifetime if i had to go to the hospital (and i could certainly be in debt forever). fortunately i did not require medical attention, i survived my excruciating pain, and several days later i recovered from its lingering effects of dehydration and such. (and i bought my health insurance under which i am covered for the next several months.) i then went about looking for some of the messages contained within this experience and one is that of a call to my attention to what i am eating…what i am taking in whether it is something i am eating or reading or hearing. be attentive to what is allowed into me, that it be holy and pure, that it be such as to contribute to the intention of my journey.

and my year begins….

beautiful photography by permission

cindy lee jones

a blessing

today i gave a ride to a stooped old lady. i was going to my yoga class, headed down a side street, when i saw her standing outside her home in the bitter cold, something near nine degrees cold. she stood on her concrete steps and waved at me as though she were expecting me and i rolled down my window to say hello. i don’t know her, really, though i met her several times during early morning walks a year ago. her name is anna. she said, “can you take me?” and i answered, “yes.” i didn’t know where she wanted to go and i wondered if i would be late for my yoga class but at the same time i knew that giving this woman a ride was the only thing to do. you might say it was a nice thing to do or maybe even the right thing to do. i simply know it was the only thing to do.

when she got into my car she asked me my name and i told her, “diana…diana christine.” every time i meet her she asks me my name and every time she asks i don’t mind telling her. she is a very old woman. she can barely speak english and my spanish is poor but i understood her to say she wanted to go to church. not the church across the street but still, one that was only a few blocks away. i was happy to take her to church. she explained that she is from ecuador but i couldn’t understand anything else she was trying to say to me (i can speak a lot more spanish than i can understand when another speaks to me). we smiled a lot and talked about how cold it is. at least that is what i think we talked about.

when we arrived at the church she asked me to bless her, and in fact, she wouldn’t get out of the car until i blessed her. i stumbled through a blessing but she kept saying, “bless me.” i thought perhaps she wanted me to make the sign of the cross (which i don’t know because i am not catholic) so i tried to do that but it seems i didn’t do it right and she shook her head and again she said, “bless me.” finally in her exasperation she said thank you, and climbed out of the car.

after she left i prayed that she be warm, that she be comforted and be at peace, that she feel her own strength. i prayed her blessing. alone in the quiet of my car, i blessed anna in all that she is and all that she would be. i think this time i got it right.

perhaps it is that the wizened part of me, the “old girl” part of me, seeks a blessing. perhaps a part of me seeks honor, seeks to be lifted, seeks to be comforted or strengthened or gifted. and maybe it is that another part of me seeks to rise to the occasion and proffer the blessing. i will keep trying until i get it right.

for today, perhaps the most important thing i did today or maybe the only important thing i did today, was give an old woman a ride in the bitter cold and offer her my blessing.

photography by permission

marc goldring

awakening

i hungered all my life
to be awake
as i am this moment
mySelf shifted to the front
all else reduced to second place

here, now
light embraces me
shadow supports me
silence speaks to me
noise has become a muffled din

everything around me awakens
snow draped over branches
reflects radiance from a moon that guides me
and i have never known greater beauty
than what enfolds me now
i drink deeply

i hungered all my life
to be awake
as i am this moment
i am at once every~thing
and no~thing at all

it could be a fearful hope
to be able to see clearly
to know truth, suffering, the way things are
yet in its rendering
Consciousness reflects joy with every sorrow
confers salve for its own wounds
otherwise it is incomplete

i struggled
even more
than i am likely willing to lay claim
yet i found
in each dreadful labor, new birthing
and never an effort borne in vain

hard-won, my Awakening begs devotion
i protect it as i would my new-born child
i want no slumber
for fear when sleep is wiped from my brow
i will not remember as i am now
but Consciousness seeks my trust
what is, Is, and shall remain
so i lay me down to rest

i hungered all my life
to be awake
as i am this moment
and this moment
is for a lifetime

a gift

in this season of giving, i like to receive a gift as deeply and as fully as possible. ours is a world of abundance and the more we have, the more difficult it is to be fully with each thing we have. not being fully with our things creates the illusion of needing more (which, then, in reaching for more, makes it more difficult to be fully with what we have, and the cycle worsens).

i received a gift today. i walked into my office (this being my last week with the organization) and found a prettily wrapped gift sitting on my desk. the note atop the gift explained the gift was given to say thank you for the many things i had done to enrich and enlarge the life of the giver.

i didn't want to open my gift during the noise and busyness of the work day (the giver not being present), so i kept it wrapped and from time to time looked at it and re-read the message...i had enriched and enlarged her life. if there had been nothing else in that package, her beautiful words were enough to fill me. i had enriched and enlarged her life.

a gift is a special occasion and one to be appreciated and enjoyed. at home i prepared myself for the receiving of my gift. i set about lighting incense and turning on soft music, sat down, and held the gift in my hands. the package was gaily wrapped with cheerful flowers all over the outside of it. i sat and admired the flowers, taking time to be aware of all their pretty details. you see, the note on the package was a gift, and the wrapping was a gift too. i didn't want to miss anything of my present.

i opened the package and discovered not just an ordinary box holding my gift, but a tri-coastal designs box, constructed a bit like a hatbox, with cleverly costumed dogs all over the box. the box containing my gift was, again, itself another gift, a cute decorative box for personal use. i sat with the box for just a bit enjoying its clever drawings. once i had savored the new gift box, i opened the gift further.

nestled in the box and wrapped in soft tissue were beautiful small candle holders that look like raindrops, little golden raindrops with bubbles of rain inside. with the bubble candle holders were natural palm wax candles (aura-lites) with affirmational colors of inspiration. my friend had taken the time to choose candle colors that represent current messages in my life. how thoughtful. how perfectly lovely.

her candles burn next to me now, and in the glowing i am reminded how much, even without our noticing, how much we touch the lives of those around us and sometimes, maybe, we even enrich and enlarge another's life.

thank you, jane....

smoke photography by permission

graham jeffery

protection

when i was a little girl i imagined myself a survivor. if i read a story of some such personal struggle or crisis, i always identified with the survivor, even if there was only one and everyone else in the story perished. i could not not see it that way. i survived.

as i grew older and began to drive a car (and even when i boarded a plane), i always took a moment of prayer or meditation to ask for protection. i envisioned a shield about me that protected me and everyone else with me and then i prayed three words: "no permanent damage." (i tell you this because this is how i have lived this story.) what i meant when i said my three words was that should any trouble come my way, any accident, there would be no permanent consequences. a broken leg is not permanent damage, for it would heal. losing a spleen or puncturing a lung...this would be permanent damage. i envisioned a shield and spoke the words "no permanent damange." in my own car i would say it aloud; on an airplane i whispered it quietly into my window (for i usually have a window seat). i did not say these words in fear; i spoke them with trust, and then went about my business.

when i was 21 years old, or perhaps 22, i was in an accident. my sister was driving; i had my newborn baby son in my arms (this was just before carseats became easily available and legally required) and my infant daughter in the back seat. a gasoline tanker truck driver fell asleep at the wheel and plowed into the car we were in. our car was flipped around and thrown into the highway headed in the opposite direction (with oncoming traffic headed into us), barely missing throwing us over an embankment and onto another highway below. the car was totally destroyed. amazingly, not only did all speeding oncoming traffic manage to stop before hitting us, but every one of us in the car walked out without any damage. (i was a nervous nilly on the highways for a while, though.) no permanent damage.

years later i was driving my daughter to college, all of her belongings in the car, as she was moving into her freshman year, when a woman on the highway lost control and crashed into us. every window in that car was broken and the car was totaled but we walked out without so much as a scratch (my daughter went to college with bits and pieces of glass in everything she owned). no permanent damage. i continued my visualization and my three-word prayer every time i started to drive and every time i boarded a plane.

one time i was driving in the midwest in the middle of a snowstorm, my being in the far left lane and an 18-wheeler to my right, when the 18-wheeler started coming into my lane. he was huge and already halfway into my lane, and there was no place for me to go (if i went any further left i would go over an embankment). the roads were slick with newfallen snow. in a split second i anticipated the sound of crunching metal. suddenly and immediately the truck was back in his lane and i was safe, though i never saw him retrace his path. unexpectedly i was safe and tears slid down my face as though a faucet had turned on. i was safe and i couldn't explain how. i simply cried and gave thanks. no permanent damage.

one more time i was in an accident due to another driver losing control, my car totaled, no injuries to me or to my family. (a fourth time my car was totaled but in this one i was not in the car at the time. i cried when i stood in the mechanic's shop and viewed my car in a thousand pieces, but i could only be grateful for my wellness.)

none of the accidents were due to my driving and never did my insurance increase. after the last accident, though, i changed my prayer for a while to two words: "no damage." (it was the least i could do for my insurance company.)

i have sometimes said i am protected by an angel in my car (that protection going to those who drive my car even without my presence). i have no way of proving, or even any way of knowing, if there is such an angel. i don't know if perhaps my visualizations or my affirmations created my subsequent reality. i offer no interpretation or belief to accompany my story. i simply want to tell you how this has played out for me. and i express my gratitude to the Universe for the survival i have known.

photography by permission

cindy lee jones