guest house

a practice that has had profound influence on helping me reduce fear and anger in my life is the practice to accept and welcome each, not resist it or hate it or deny it. i learned this concept first from a speech by Thich Nhat Hanh, and i have continued its practice. i talk to my fear or anger, acknowledge it and say hello, even thank it for its gifts (for everything has a gift, and even fear carries some kind of protection or help even if it is misplaced and even if it hurts more than it helps). i welcome this voice at the table and give thanks and somehow in the acceptance, the potency and the sting are diminished and then the fear or anger is dissolved.

i like the words of Rumi that seem to speak on this same idea....

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
--Rumi

photography by permission

graham jeffrey

fear, continued

a few days ago i started discussing love and fear as possibly our only two states of being, with every emotion emanating from one or the other of these two states. (it is important that we stop and feel whatever we experience to know if it is fear-based or love-based.)

during the unfolding of that writing, i began to sense fear as all coming from one of two: fear of not being good enough and fear of being alone. fear of success, fear of failure, fear of public speaking, fear of losing a job, fear of losing a lover...every kind of fear seemed to me to come from fear of not being good enough or from fear of being alone.

after further pondering, though, i narrowed down fear of not being good enough to being simply fear of not being enough.

fear of being alone then also begged being narrowed down to fear of not being enough (after all, if we learn/know we are enough, how can we be afraid of being alone?). so i began to see all fear being distilled to the fear of not being enough. all fear, every fear, has a foundation of our being afraid of not being enough. or so it seems to me.

but i failed to include a particular class of fears, and that of the fear of physical pain and fear of death. for some, this class of fears is overwhelming and crippling. this kind of fear might not be so connected with the fears that underlie our attitudes and behaviors and interactions, but it is a present fear for many nonetheless.

for me, i am becoming more of who i am meant to be as i explore each of my own emotions and actions as coming from a position of love or of fear. and in realizing those things with a fear base representing a fear of not being enough, i begin to deepen my understanding that i am enough.

it's kind of funny how it works, but it works. and i become ever less fearful. and ever more grounded in love.

paradox

the minute i see myself as being arrogant,

i at once step into greater modesty.

the minute i see myself as being humble,

i am immediately less so.

i walk a razor's edge.

photography by permission
graham jeffery

love and fear

it seems to me that underneath every emotion and every practice, we have one of two states of being, and all that we experience stems from one or the other. those two states are love and fear. some may suggest love and hate but it doesn't seem to be so. we experience love or fear.

in my beginning efforts to understand my own emotions, i began to practice observing them and uncovering them at deeper and deeper levels. in considering anger, i looked more deeply and found hurt, but beneath the hurt i then discovered fear. can we have any emotional pain without fear being underneath it?

looking at my own tendencies toward procrastination, i found fear as its roots. studying arrogance, or depression, or the need to please, the need to be perfect, the need to be right, or the need to be in control, i found fear to be its base.

being afraid can come in the guise of fear of not being good enough or fear of being alone. until just now i had not thought about their being only two kinds of fear so now i'll need to ponder that too. we could suggest the fear of being wrong--but fear of being wrong has beneath it the fear of not being good enough (if we know the truth of our perfection, which is far more than being good enough, then we have no fear of being wrong). we could imagine the fear of getting hurt, but then the "getting hurt" that we fear is tied to fear of not being good enough or fear of being alone.

now then, it seems to me our work is to recognize and to acknowledge each expression of our fear, and allow it to transform into love. i begin by saying what i am afraid of, aloud, quietly and alone with myself. if i need to, i say it again and again. something about recognizing and acknowledging immediately begins the work. i begin to accept my fear and in the accepting, it begins to change.

love, then, seems to be the only thing that is not fear. and love is the source of everything beautiful, everything strong, everything good.

photography by permission

cindy lee jones

To live in this world, you must be able to do three things: to love what is mortal; to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends on it; and when the time comes, to let it go.
~ Mary Oliver

attachment and resistance

Gautama Buddha once said: "i teach one thing and one only: that is, suffering and the end of suffering." and what causes this suffering? he answers this question in his Four Noble Truths: "the origin of suffering is attachment."

i’ve been considering my words recently that resistance is the cause of stress, always the only cause of stress (see post on stress). i’ve given this message often while teaching stress management but only now have i considered its connection to the Buddha’s words. while “resistance” and “attachment” sound like two very different things, it seems to me the Buddha and i are saying something similar. i am saying the “resistance to letting go” of something (which is attachment) as well as the “resistance to accepting” something (resisting something we believe we do not want so we are attached to an opposing action) are always and only the cause of stress.

resistance is not the natural order of the Universe, not the natural flow. and when we practice resistance, we suffer stress.

photography by permission
cindy lee jones

Christine Kane

i have fallen in love with new music, the sound of Christine Kane. she's young, beautiful, brilliant, funny, smart, spiritual, and honest. in addition to playing and singing, she writes a thoughtful blog and hosts occasional women's retreats (which are quickly sold out). she is a joy, and a gift to the rest of us. you can find her, and listen to a sample of her music, at her website. her tagline is wise counsel and an example of the light she lives: be creative. be conscious. be courageous.

introducing Spirit First

i am honored to introduce you to my dream of an inclusive meditation center, a quiet sanctuary with beautiful gardens and labyrinths nestled in a wood. you can read of the unfolding of this dream at Spirit First.

stress

for several day i have struggled with how to put my thoughts and my spiritual viewpoints into words to put onto these pages. i've spent my life working on figuring out my spiritual path and now i struggle to put it into words. please forgive my fumbling in doing so.

i started our conversation about stories, about narratives, because frequently people from my audience come to me seeking help for stress management, sometimes people who are overwhelmed with extreme stress, and i find it difficult to offer help without building an understanding of how we live our story based on our beliefs. a corporate seminar break does not allow me the depth of conversation i would like to have.

what do we tend to believe is the cause of stress? traffic? difficult people? money problems? other things? the truth is, there is one cause of stress, only one, and always the same one. resistance. resistance is the cause of stress.

i am not saying resistance is a bad thing—i’m not even saying stress is a bad thing (i spend enough time in the gym to know that without resistance or stress, we would never develop strength). i am saying, though, that resistance is the cause of stress, and if we want stress management, we must know its source.

here is a simple example: last year my sister-in-law died and i grieved her death (for i loved her very much). one might say i grieved because she died, but the real truth is i grieved because i did not want her to be dead (resistance to her death). it is important to distinguish the difference. her death simply is, and simply is what it is. my resistance to it is what causes my grief.

every time we feel stress or pain, we can ask ourself the question, "what am i resisting?" and we then decide if we want to experience it or not (i chose to experience the grief of the death of a loved one but i choose not to grieve the loss of a job or the loss of some material thing).

photography by permission

cindy lee jones