yoga

last night i sat on a black mat on a gleaming wood floor in a room filled with the sound of birds twittering and the mournful call of a lone reed instrument. i had come to my first-ever yoga class. i'm not sure what i was expecting other than a meaningful workout. i simply knew this was the next step in my fitness program, one leading to greater wholeness and flexibility. i recognized yoga is a physical practice for many spiritual people but somehow that awareness was in my head and had not yet met with any understanding on my part. i had come here to work out.

as we began our first posture the instructor passed through the room and placed drops of essential oil on the wrists of all the participants, and slowly the fragrance of lavender surrounded us and became us. the frenetic pace of the rest of the gym was now beyond our borders and we were silent in a scented room with the sound of birds. the instructor began.

the instructor was a beautiful young woman with radiant health who spoke with a careful cadence and an attentive tone but with a sense of detachment. i was intrigued with her voice being so constant, so thorough, yet careful not to make any personal contact. in my speaking profession my effectiveness and my success are attributed to my ability to make a connection with my listeners. in the dance with my students my efforts are to hold them and teach (because of my intense connection with people i spend most of my non-working time alone. if i did not do so i would be completely spent.). in her dance with her students her efforts were to lead without touching. she was there and yet she was not there. the room was filled with men and women but we were each in a private meditation.

our steady, thoughtful movements stretched me and opened me. if i had not already been consistently increasing my physical training, this class would have been far more difficult for me than it was. we were supposed to be working with our eyes closed (the entire hour becomes a constant meditation), but i needed to open my eyes frequently to see what the instructor was doing. (lucky for me i had placed my mat in what i thought was the back of the room only to discover it became the front of the room. the instructor was now immediately in front of me.) i was fascinated with how she could bend and move her back, shoulders, and arms. i had never known a back could be moved the way she moved hers. i wondered what i will be able to do after several months of this. i didn't know the yoga language and appreciated her thorough instructions for each move.

at the end of the course the instructor not only invited but welcomed students to meet her, to talk with her, and i now saw she was able to be in our world with a sense of detachment without touching, yet also carried the ability to be warm and connected. this became my greatest lesson for the evening, this demonstration of how to be private in a crowded world. my hour in the mind/body studio went far deeper than stretching my muscles but became a quieting, a slowing down, a becoming.

this morning i awakened to discover every muscle in my body is stretched and sore.

post script to intuition

my greater depth in being able to feel my inner Guidance has come from my own commitment to follow it. someone once said to me i must take my ownSelf seriously, be committed to my own Guidance and my own language. i had never treated mySelf as i would treat another, one that needed me or responded to me. i made a deal. i would be attentive to every Intuition that came to me and i would pay attention to what did and didn't work out. as the Universe would see my commitment and my following through, i would become as much trusted by It as It would be trusted by me. this i learned from what someone once said to me.

i started with little things. i would be rushing out of the house on a clear-blue-sky day and a tiny voice would say go back for my umbrella. my commitment was to follow it and i did. anytime i accidentally overlooked or brushed aside the little voice, i noted the Intuition had been correct. and i always give a spoken thank you for every Guidance given. this has become a wonderful new way to live and i am beginning to find Direction in bigger, (seemingly) more important things. but the practice began with the small stuff.

i enjoy less stress as my Guidance increases and i get to think less and follow more. and my life is unfolding with much greater awareness and perfection...

intuition

the Universe provides exquisite, profound support for our journey, but we live in a culture filled with so much noise and movement it has become impossible for most to feel the gifts provided.

i came from a childhood built on scriptures and sermons and i had chosen my favorite words to be "be still, and know that I am God..." and yet until very recently i was almost completely out of touch with feeling the profound presence of the Guidance the Universe has given me.

~ ~ ~

i was struggling with what is called Intuition, the experience of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes, a sensing on the inside, a knowing in the physical world from a source in the spiritual. i never sought or claimed anything like being a psychic (a practice not blessed by the church in my youth), but when what seemed to be powerful, deep intuitions within me struggled to survive (i have had a couple of what seemed to be powerful intuitions in my life), i questioned the truth of my having any sense of connection. i didn't question that it works for other people, but i began to believe it wasn't inside me. just about that time i received an unexpected, unsolicited package in the mail. it was a newly marketed razor for women, called Intuition. well, call me slow or blind or unconscious, but the significance didn't hit me at first. as i continued to struggle with feeling any certainty about my own inner Guidance, i stepped into my shower shortly after receiving the unexpected gift and the words INTUITION cried out to me while i stood under warm waters pouring over my naked body. i suddenly began to see some significance in my receiving this unsolicited product. (i didn't find anyone else who received this expensive new razor as a marketing ploy.)

this message might have been enough for many people (and would be for me now), but several weeks later i found myself struggling again with trying to believe in my ability to feel true Intuition. during this time of uncertainty, one day i chose to wear a different perfume from my regular practice, one from a new miniature bottle. i sprayed it over me without looking at it and went on about my business. the perfume was lovely, hovering about me in a sweet presence the entire day. when i returned to my bedroom that night i made a point of looking to see what was the fragrance that had held me the past several hours. i picked up the tiny bottle and read the words in all capital letters, INTUITION, by estee lauder. i knew then my own Intuition was trying to speak to me.

the Universe has given Intuition to everyone for guidance on our paths. but what about sensing or feeling something that doesn't work out? i found my answer in the television program "medium" on nbc. i love the richness of this show as i watch the leading character practice with her gifts. she makes mistakes, she struggles to get it right, but she consistently grows in her understanding. becoming attuned to our own Intuition is not unlike building our body in fitness practices. we must be attentive, study, practice, and grow. and we will make mistakes. a gift is not given fully developed, be it playing concert piano or knowing our own Intuition.

as i have become more attentive and more accepting, the Universe has become far more active, far more present, in supporting me and bringing exactly what i need at exactly the time i need it. it sometimes seems almost like miracles or like magic, but it is simply the way of Life. what we need is there if we are looking for it and practicing how to recognize it.

as i have been quieting my life, as i have been removing various stimulants and stimulations, as i have been shielding myself into practices of extreme silence, i have begun to "feel" my own vibrations and my own inner Guide. i am becoming far more aware of my own Intuition. it does not appear in the boldest letters or in the strongest voice, but is found in the places of greatest stillness.

learning from "king"

i usually return to read my writing again and again to seek it for all its messages, all its meanings. writing and reading "king" has been significant to me.

if we are an extension of God (as expressed by some disciplines), if we are God's hands and feet (as expressed by other disciplines), then it seems God is experiencing humanity through our personal experiences. if i am "king," it is because God seeks to experience kingship through me. if i am "not a king," it is because God seeks to experience what it is like to be not a king. this makes every experience deeply holy.

i am usually pretty hard on myself. i am disappointed when i take a long time to understand, when i wrestle with a problem, when i fumble with life. and yet, if God is experiencing life through me, if every experience is deeply holy, then my own struggle is holy too.

knowing this makes me soften and accept the beauty of my own struggle.

bad dreams

i was having a very difficult time, struggling with feeling strongly supported and feeling falling apart back and forth and all mixed together. during this difficult time my two beautiful grandchildren came to visit and i took great joy in them. once they fell asleep in my bed, however, i suddenly felt the weight of my internal crisis and couldn't sleep. i left the room and spent several hours tossing and turning in my struggle and found sleep only many hours later. exhausted when my granddaughter awakened early the next morning, i said, "sweetie, i had kind of a bad night and i need to try to get a little more sleep."

she lovingly asked me, "did you have a bad dream?"

not wanting to reveal anything more to her i replied, "yes, something like that."

then it suddenly hit me. she was right. i was having a bad dream. this Dream, this Illusion of my own myth, of the perceived world around me, had turned into a bad Dream instead of the Consciousness of my Truth. i had become lost in my perceived loss and had forgotten the Truth of my holiness, of my being supported and loved and wanted by the Universe. i was having a bad dream.

i didn't go back to sleep but instead it came to me to breathe the world around me, the room and the furniture and the children, look at them and touch them and feel them and breathe them, that i might come back to my ownSelf. as i increased my awareness of everything around me, the pain inside me softened and my world began to right itself.

it works the same if i have been told i've lost my job, if i have been given a negative medical diagnosis, if i have lost someone dear to me. breathe the world around me until my perceptions have an opportunity to become right side up. anguish is a misperception; loss is an illusion. our Truth is wholeness, perfection, and connection with God. i thank God for finding my way back.

and i thank God for little girls who know we all have bad dreams.

king

you, who would be king
cannot be truly king
unless you see and understand
it is not you
but the one you represent
who is the king

you, who are not king
are not the one
who is not king
but rather
the one you represent
seeks to understand
what it is
to be not the king

God within

i have always been drawn toward the use of the word "without" for its definition "outside" as in "the air within and the air without."

i feel perhaps the correct writing of God within should have been like this...

if you believe
God is within
then pray
to the One within
and not pray
without

i keep feeling drawn toward deep attention to the direction of prayer, the direction of communion, the direction of seeking strength and sustenance. the word "without" then brings me two meanings and speaks to me that praying without (outside) leaves me without (lacking, empty).

that's what i am feeling, anyway.

God within

if you believe
God is within
then pray
to the One within
and not pray
toward without

poverty

everything we touch
and everything that touches us
is a gift to be treasured
our lives...abundance

to have too much
becomes much the same
as not enough
if so much
causes not enough time
to treasure what we have

gama

several weeks ago i wrote this for gama in honor of his love and support for fellow writers. i bring it out today to wish blessings on him and his family, and on everyone in rita's path. may blessings of peace and safety be with you now...

i've heard it said
when a butterfly flutters his wings
in China
a breeze is felt in the Western world

if a butterfly's delicate wing
can touch a life
and that one worlds away
how much more so
have we the power
to touch another's life

use it wisely

photo by permission graham jeffrey